After almost losing Luke in a tragic accident in the Moloka’i Hoe Canoe Race on October 10, 2010, I began to feel very vulnerable to the possibility of an “end.” While Luke spoke of his overwhelming feeling of love for everything in this world, I spiraled down a whirlpool of fear. Since 10/10/10 I felt like I was moving at a pace just a few steps behind him, over analyzing every move, every thought, and every thing that was going on around us. My actions and thoughts chased me during the days as I watched him relearn how to walk, sit, step, and regain his strength. My nights were filled with haunting dreams of losing everything.
I agonized over my fears quietly, veiling a false strength to aid Luke in his recovery. While I kept trying to be his rock through his pain and suffering, I felt like I was slowly breaking into pieces inside. Every ache of the heart truly felt like an icy crack of my humanity. I began to feel empty, almost lifeless. But one thing saved me. I read Luke’s post on “Love, Life, and Awareness.” However, instead of finding beauty and clarity in the world, I began to feel hope. Through rebuilding ourselves, we will be rebuilding our entire way of life.
We have grappled over the years to live our lives in a manner that is vital to the sustainability and recovery of our earth. In no way have we succeeded in doing so. After all that has happened, Luke and I are taking this goal and hitting it head on in 2011. While we will be trying to live off the grid, I am hoping that the ups and downs of this journey will heal the scars of my humanity and allow me to be a rock for my family.
While Luke will be fighting to make us completely self-sufficient, I will be trying to allow myself to open up and face fear straight on.
Sokchea
I agonized over my fears quietly, veiling a false strength to aid Luke in his recovery. While I kept trying to be his rock through his pain and suffering, I felt like I was slowly breaking into pieces inside. Every ache of the heart truly felt like an icy crack of my humanity. I began to feel empty, almost lifeless. But one thing saved me. I read Luke’s post on “Love, Life, and Awareness.” However, instead of finding beauty and clarity in the world, I began to feel hope. Through rebuilding ourselves, we will be rebuilding our entire way of life.
We have grappled over the years to live our lives in a manner that is vital to the sustainability and recovery of our earth. In no way have we succeeded in doing so. After all that has happened, Luke and I are taking this goal and hitting it head on in 2011. While we will be trying to live off the grid, I am hoping that the ups and downs of this journey will heal the scars of my humanity and allow me to be a rock for my family.
While Luke will be fighting to make us completely self-sufficient, I will be trying to allow myself to open up and face fear straight on.
Sokchea
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